Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Trapped

I have been struggling for a while now...feeling trapped in my circumstances. Trying, sometimes desperately, to create solutions that would change my situation. Feeling disappointed when those "solutions" fail to create change. Sometimes I have even allowed myself to go to a hopeless place, believing that maybe things will always be this way. What way? Different than what I want.

Here's the deal...

Ten months ago my life changed drastically when I became a mother. Though I struggled at first with all the normal first-time-mom-things like nursing, sleeplessness, and what I like to refer to as chronic selflessness, I have come to absolutely love and cherish this role. When I hold my daughter late at night and she rests her head on my shoulder (if you know her, you know it is extremely rare for her to slow down enough to do this) I am humbled to tears at this responsibility and privilege. To love her. To nourish her. To disciple her. To lift her up to all she was created to be.

Wanting to stay home and be a full-time mom was something that I have always known I would want to do. So, it was no surprise when that desire began to burn within me as my six weeks of maternity leave was rapidly coming to an end. I returned part-time using earned sick and vacation days. And now, having maxed out my ability to use time-off I will go back to a full-time schedule beginning next week.

A lot of tears have flowed from this. Having to adjust to leaving my baby. Not being the one to share the best parts of her day. Functioning in a constant state of hurry-to get out the door in the morning, to get dinner together after work, to get to the one-million-and-one activities on our schedule, etc. Watching all of my created solutions fail to allow me to be free from this job. Coming to the realization that God wants me here.

That last one is tough. Because although I have my own will, desires, dreams, ideas...my God has bigger and better ones. And I know that. And I know that even if I can't see it right now, this is best for me. And I know that this life is not for me, that I am on mission. That I have to stand up, shoulder my cross, and press on because there is something important to be accomplished.

At my job where I have the privilege of providing counseling to victims of sexual assault, I meet people every day in a state of brokenness. I get to share in their sorrow and offer them encouragement and hope as I walk them through learning how to heal and move on from a very dark place in their lives. I keep this verse on my desk as a reminder that the opportunity to do this is not in vain:

"The Sovereign Lord has given me his words of wisdom, so that I know what to say to all these weary ones. Morning by morning he wakens me and opens my understanding to his will. "

~Isaiah 50:4


So, I am choosing to fight the lie that this is what my life will always be like, and instead believe that I am doing what is needed at this time. I am choosing to see what feels like chains as purpose instead. And I am praising God for the freedom that comes in knowing who I am in him.

5 comments:

  1. Oh Heidi.

    May God grant you peace for this season and hope for the future.

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  2. I love you. Thank you for your example in showing that even when you aren't in the place you desire most and when circumstances even seem to stink, you can rejoice and thank God that he knows what he is doing.

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  3. Heidi, we've never officially met, but I have heard lots of wonderful things about you through Cara and she shared your blogpost with me today. I appreciate your honesty about the situation because so many of us struggle with the same feelings. You are already teaching your sweet girl important lessons of faithfulness, obedience and trust. You are finding the positive in any situation to be able to really BE present in life--how many of us miss that and then miss the lesson of what God has in store for us? You are also doing such important work and are touching so many lives. This, too, is such an amazing example to your daughter who will look to you as a model for building her own identity and character. So, even in leaving her to return to work, you are blessing her with gifts you can't even imagine yet.

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  4. I was one of those people who planned to work full time and have a family, but after having kids I didn't realize how loudly I would feel the call to the ministry of motherhood. I, too, really, really, really wanted to stay home, but there was a season when Kara & Logan were still very young and I had to go back to work. I HATED it.....my heart was always heavy and I ACHED to be home with my kids instead of dropping them at daycare. I felt like I missed so much. The only thing that got me through those 2 years was when someone told me that in the craziness of trying to 'do it all' that I should pray constantly that God would 'fill in the cracks'. Sounds simple, but it gave me much peace. I wish I had some better wisdom, but I know what you're feeling and I'll commit to praying for you!!

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  5. well said, heidi. love you to pieces. i pray that you would be filled with joy and contentment in this place that God has you. i have recently been reminding myself, when everything else is looking grim, CHRIST DIED FOR ME and you, and our biggest problem has already been taken care of! praise the Lord! you are an inspiration to me! (and thanks for making me cry!) :)
    love you!!

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